see, this year is an emotional rollercoaster ride. when i saw my entry for new year's, i feel like taking back all that i said there. i do not want anything new, i do not want change and i definitely do not want what i have now.

yes, it's a bit more exciting and a bit more than the usual attention that i get from people, but i do not like it. i thought i would, but i would rather have the old me back, the old wallflower, the old spinster me.

i was rather happy being all alone and not having to think about other people, but now, i care so much it sucks.

people think that i dont feel anything, but i do. i just dont show it. i learned not to show emotions because i learned it was a sign of weakness. i learned it the hard way and so now, i can say im hard on the outside but still soft inside. i cry. although it's been a while but i still do. every small thing people around me do have an effect on my mood. it does. i laugh when people are happy, im sad when people are sad. im quiet when it's awkward and i hurt when people say bad things about me.

sometimes i want to escape. i want to get out and just disappear. someday.


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if you still read me, id like you to know that im sorry. im still here and if you want to talk, just give me a call. il wait.