winter blues

i came across one of my sentimental letters from way back. just wanted to share it.



How do you know that he is the one? Everyone says you just know it. It's the way you feel when you're together. The way you feel so comfortable holding his hand or kissing him. It's the way everything seems to be perfect when you two are together. You have no fear, no worries, no care about the world. It's just the two of you, like it's never going to end. When I'm with him, the feeling i have is incredible. I feel so happy, so safe, so secure and so loved. I do not worry about anything when I am with him. I'm a tough person (so i thought) and I do not like exposing my vunerable side. But he made me put all my defenses down and just give in, love him with everything and I mean everything. When I'm with him I just want to hug him and not let go, kiss him for as long as I can. Being with him gives me the security that I need and the protection that I long to feel. He was my strength, he was my weakness. He was my everything. I never again imagined myself with anybody else except him. My heart used to ache with just the thought of not being with him.

After a year, my feelings never changed. I still feel my heart race whenever I'm with him. I still feel the same excitement i felt the first time we kissed. Being together 24/7 didn't change what I felt. It even made it stronger and more intense. When I go home during the weekend, I miss him even more. Seeing him again when Monday comes makes my stomach flutter and that feeling rushes through me all over again. My love for him just came naturally. I didn't have to excert any efforts to do so.

Everything in this world is not perfect. We had our shares of arguements and bad times. He taught me how to accept his past and move on. And so i did. I loved him for everything that he is, for everything that he was... his imperfections, his past, his future, his present. I got hurt a lot of times. I found out about a lot of things that changed the way I looked at our relationship and challenged my faith in love. When I finally got over all that, he gives up on me, on us. He said he just stopped loving me. He just stopped.

My perfect love, my world, the one who once said that he would never let me go, finally did. I was crushed. It felt like the whole world just crashed onto me. I loved him with my whole heart (dumb move) and with just his goodbye, he took it all away. My pain and sorrow ate me whole. Everyday that I was not with him seemed like forever. Days seemed like years. I longed for him. Missed everything about him, his hugs, kisses, his smile, his smell, his fingers that disappear in mine. I found my lowest point.

I'm guessing that from here I have nowhere else to go but up. I made a pact with God, I asked him to either give him back to me or take away the pain. He did the latter. And I am very thankful for that. Here I am, stronger and bolder. And I do believe that when the heart heals itself, it grows bigger just like the universe. It expands to accomodate everything else there is to come. It definitely does.