catharsis of some sort

I was at my happiest when I was with you. Admitting this to myself is easy but forgetting about it is the hardest thing I have to do. When I think about you, I can't help but smile. You are constantly on my mind. You are the ghost of my past that im scared of but can’t find the heart to forget. When I think about you, I feel all warm and fuzzy. I shouldn’t even be thinking about you but I do. Everything in my life has this unbreakable connection back to you. Im surrounded by things that somehow remind me of you. Believe it or not, whenever I go to the supermarket, I go to the soap aisle and smell the soap that you love so much. I sniff it till I remember smelling it on you, till I remember bathing with it so I could smell you on me and I would think I wouldn’t miss you. But I still do.

Why do I keep coming back to you? Why can't I just forget about you? Why can't I set aside all the memories, put them in a box and throw it away some place where I won't be able to get to them again. Ever. It took almost all of my heart and soul to forget about you and move on with my life. You almost killed me. I never thought anybody would ever die from heartbreak. I thought I would be the first one.

All these times that I’ve been telling myself and everybody else that I’m so over you were all just lies… Lies to hide the way I feel about you, the real me. I’ve been running away from this for quite a while and all your memories still catch up on me and eat me whole. Night after night after night of dreams about you haunt me. I wake up feeling like I did on that fateful day you left me. I am once again empty and incomplete. You are half the world away from me and still you can make me feel like this. I thought I talked to God about this. I asked him to either make you stay or take the pain away. He took you and he still wouldn’t take your memories and all the pain in my heart.

But here I am, struggling with my life, struggling to survive and move on and live like I would never need you ever in my life again. I think I’m doing a pretty good job living without you. I am still alive, right? Good luck with not missing you and not wanting you back. I most especially need good luck with not loving you. I only have half a heart left and I hope it could still go on and survive the pain of missing you. I don’t think it can take much more of this pain and torture I’ve been consciously and unconsciously subjecting it....



this was something i found under all the stuff i brought when i first came here. this was something from an ira from long long ago. i wasnt even supposed to see it but here it is, haunting me. well, id rather blog about it than let it go to waste. most of the stuff here i dont feel anymore anyway. too bad i didnt get to finish it.


after reading it again, it sounds like im a stalker. haha. not!