my first time

febuary 11, was the first time i went speed dating.

i told my friend that i would blog about it only if i get an email telling me that people actually chose me.

so, here's the story:

during one of our dinners, a friend told me that i should sign up for speed dating, and said it would be a fun thing to do. i was a little apprehensive about the idea of going speed dating since i've always thought that speed dating is for losers, or desperate people. so i put my decision in the hands of another friend, who i thought would say no for the both of us. unfortunately, he said he would go.

so, a week before, i was flustered, nervous, and i was practicing my opening speech, or sentence since we only get 5 minutes to talk to people.

all speed daters had to send in a 4-item questionnare to the organizer and to confirm, they will send back an email saying you're in.

so the friday before, i received my confirmation email, but my two friends who were supposed to join did not get theirs. it ended up with just me doing the thing and them off the hook because i guess there were more guys than girls. my hopes of being in a list were crushed. because at the end of the speed date, you're supposed to list down the people you like, and if there was a mutual match, then they would send you contact details. i was hoping that if i had two friends in the speed dating thing, i would be in at least their lists.

so, the day came, i asked my friend to join me in grabbing a couple of drinks before heading there. i needed the boost.

when we got there, i felt flutters in my tummy, i was very nervous. my state would have probably been worse if i didnt have 2 beers and a tequila shot in me.

so there i was, giddy and nervous and smiling like there's no tomorrow. my three friends who went with me gave me the thumbs up when it all started. before i knew it, i was talking to people, i was actually interacting with people i barely know. i was a different person that night. i had confidence i never knew i had in me. i sat there, drink in hand (thanks dennis), smile plastered across my face, asking personal questions to at least 10 people, 10 guys i would never have the courage to talk to if we were in a different situation.

everything went into a whirl of people coming and going, drinks and hand shakes.

when it all ended, i felt free. it liberated me. i felt confident that i could do anything after that. and you know what's awesome about it?

i found out that 6 guys put me in their list.


6 guys!!


can you believe it? i couldnt believe it. even if i didnt get an actual date out of it, i am happy knowing that 6 guys chose ME!

whee. im so glad i did it.


_____________________________________________________________

thanks dennis, for inviting me and for giving me the chance to do it and for your words of encouragement. thanks too, for flying in earlier than you had to so that you'd be there to support me :)

thanks victor, for agreeing to come, for coming with me to support me, kahit off the hook ka na, and for coming in earlier and for having those drinks with me, for taking the shot even if you didnt want to.

thanks alvin, for being there to support me, for giving me the confidence and the thumbs up and for ride din :)

happy?

is the world completely fcuked up?

he's happy?


for gawd's sakes, why?!



i'm supposed to be happy, not him!

my happyness for today

the sunshine that was trying to break through the dawn clouds at 6:30 am.


this means only one thing,


Spring is just around the corner.


i can't wait.

sometimes i forget

all my adult life, i've learned this lesson the hard way, that if something is too good to be true, then it probably is. there is no such thing as a free lunch, no such thing as 'no strings attached'. there is always a catch.

why do i keep forgetting that? sometimes i find myself having faith in people, sometimes i trust them even. in those times, i almost always end up being disappointed. maybe i expect so much from them that it's unfair. i should just watch my own butt and look after myself. i shouldnt be dependent on other people, may it be for my food, for my ride, for my happiness, for my sanity. i can do this. i can make my own happiness, i can take care of myself.

me. myself. and i.

a happy valentines to me

this is why i love my baby evie so much.

she's a cockleshell now (the two's room) and i can not believe how big she's gotten. whenever she sees me pass by their room, i hear someone call me "a-wa, a-wa! come in here a-wa" and i see her running to the door to greet me. she gives me hugs and kissies and only lets me zip her jacket up before she leaves in the evening.

you're still my bestest little girl ever sweetie.

para sa iyo

anak ng teteng naman oh, kaya na nga ako nagpapakalayo sa mga gusto ko kasi ayaw ko na ng ganito eh. ayaw ko ng ganito ang nararamdaman ko. ayaw kong umaasa ako sa iba. ayaw ko na inaasa ko sa iba ang kaligayahan ko. ayaw ko na nababadtrip ako dahil lang sa wala sha. ayaw ko na nabubwiset ako dahil lang sa hindi kita nakausap.

mas gusto ko ng magisa.

wala namang ganyanan. mahirap pag nasaktan ulit. di ko naman hawak ang desisyon mo. yun na mahirap eh, dahil sa alam kong wala akong pwedeng gawin, or sabihin sa iyo para maiba ang tingin mo sa akin, para maiba ang nasa isip mo.

happy valentine's day nalang sa iyo. kahit alam kong ibang tao ang iniisip mo. tulad ng kung pano kita isipin ngayon. bwiset.

something for valentines day

back then, a good friend sent me this to remind me that loving is not for the weak, it is for the strong and only the strong can survive it. and to not be afraid to fall in love, because it's worth taking the risk.


Hardest Things In Love...

Flashing your smile to someone you don't want to see.

Bringing back the feeling you've learned to forget.

Showing that you care.

Finding a way to mend a broken heart.

Learning that you've been used by someone you truly love.

Saying "I Love You" when you mean it and when you don't.

Letting go of a person you've just learned to love.

Realizing that you love somebody you've just taken for granted

Realizing that you love the person you've just broken up with

Waiting for promises you know (s)he'llnever keep

Saying your love for someone who loves somebody else.

Reminiscing the good times you shared together

Shielding your heart to love somebody

Trying to hide what you really feel

Having a commitment with someone that you know would not last

Trying to hide the tears that involuntarily fall from your eyes.

Sharing the one you love with someone else.

Loving a person so much

Giving up someone you never thought of giving up

Falling in love for the first time

PRETENDING you're OK when inside you're dying...

PRETENDING to be strong...and RECOGNIZING your weakness

lying in bed each night, thinking of that special person you can never have

Loving someone you haven't seen

Having the right love at the wrong time

Exerting effort to make the relationship last or work

Not being appreciated when you know you've given your best

Taking the risk to fall in love again.

Hiding your relationship from someone else

Controlling your feelings to avoid hurting a friend

Choosing between 2 persons whom you really love

Seeing that person continue to be oblivious of your love

Turning down someone you love dearly, but only as a friend

Listening to him talk about the girl he loves (which is not you) and seeing how his eyeslight up as he does so

Seeing the guy/girl you love staring ata guy/girl who happens to be your friend while you're staring at him/her too....

Getting extremely developed over a guy/girl who's a friend and finding out thathe/she likes your best friend

Seeing your best friend and the guy/girl you love together

Thinking of him/her every waking and sleeping moment knowing all the while that he/she never even thinks a single thought of you

Loving him/her more than he/she loves you...

Letting go only to find out later on you shouldn't have let go because everytime you see the person, you only fall deeper...

Holding back only to find out when it's too late, you both felt the same way, but were only scared to lose each other so much that you didn't let the feelings out...

When the one you love doesn't even knowyou exist...

When you both know that you love each other but you're scared of losing the friendship you have...

When you let go of the person because your bestfriend you love so dearly is in love with the same person you love...

Saying "I Love You" not knowing how the person will respond/reply

Keeping the feelings to yourself... and when you finally let it out, it's too late

Letting go even if you really don'twant to...having no right to say you are hurtingbecause it was your decision

Bringing back the friendship you once had after a romantic relationship... pretending that nothing happened between the two of you when something really did...

Having the right love, but on a wrong time

Letting go. Even when you know it really is for the best

Having to listen to the one you love talk about the one he/she loves.

Having to hear "...I've met someone"

Seeing the one you love with another

Staying friends even though you both know that you both have very strong feelings for one another.

Learning to forgive

Learning to trust and love again

Believing and convincing oneself the LOVE is not mere feeling but a state of being...

Having to wonder if what you feel is really love

Being a fool for the person just to make him/her realize that you love him/her...

When you know you both love each other very much but your family does not approve of him/her.

When he/she leaves you knowing that you'll never get to see each other again... andthere's no chance of getting back together.

Falling in love with someone you didn't mean to fall in love with.

Falling in love with your best friend.

Letting go of someone who was never yours...

Finding the perfect guy/girl...with only one problem... he/she doesn't love you...

Helping the one you love "make ligaw" to your friend.

Seeing the one you love crying for someone else...

Going on a wait state for this guy/girl who you don't even have a tiny inkling as to how he/she feels about you

Breaking a friend's trust

Jeopardizing your friendship because of what you feel for your friend.

Thinking that he loves you because of what he does for you only to find out that he did it out of pity or whatever...

Giving your heart to someone who doesn't give a damn about you

Not knowing how you really feel...

Having the courage to say I LOVE YOU to the person you love and finding out afterwards that things will never be the same again when he/she doesn't treat you with the same closeness as before...

Loving another person to the extent that you already end up hurting yourself... the other person sees it, he/she doesn't care...he/she fails to realize that something good is already staring him/her right in the face, people tell him/her and he/she just ignores them...

If you love him, and he's just infatuated...

the hardest thing about love - believing it exists.

After you've been hurt.....learning to forgive...learning to trust and love againBut the hardest thing really is learning to love yourself. We always forget to do this. Always.

the weekend that was

how do you know...

that you're one of my friends?

you NEVER ever call me by my first name.



ever.


unless, we're very, very, very close. very.

where are you?

i used to be strong, i used to be the controller of my own destiny. i didnt listen to anyone, i didnt care about anything. i only knew one direction and that is forward. i only knew one destination and how to get there. i dont get lost. well, i do sometimes, but then i find my path once more just like that.

where are you now, used-to-be? why did you disappear and left behind this excuse for a person? why did you leave a weakling, a softie, an underdog, a too-kind person who can't exist without approval from certain people?

come back, you hear me? i want you back.