letting all the hurt out

it's funny how i don't feel that surge in my heart anymore when i think about you. i guess, i've been feeling it for the longest time that i've gotten used to it, thinking it's still there but in reality, it's already gone. im glad, you know. im glad you made me feel that way. cliche as is may sound, it did make me stronger, a little jaded and a little cynical but stronger, still.

i remember feeling that when the wounds were still fresh... when just a simple look at you sends shivers up my spine, when that last hug you gave me before you left made me want to cry, when you were talking to someone about this girl you like and i forced back tears.

momel said that looking back shows you how far you've gone, or how far away you need to go. he is right. now i see that i've gone far enough to look back and not stop moving forward. now, i just look back to reminisce. to remember happy memories. to see how much i've learned.

i still can't seem to stop thinking (not feeling, just thinking) about all the hurt, how good you were at making me believe that i was the one and how you made me giddy like a schoolgirl.

that first kiss, i remember it. you were downstairs having a drinking session with ronan, i get a whiff of something vanilla-y and i knew what you were doing. you came up just before the sun rose above the horizon, you lay down beside me and wake me up. you tell me that you love me, and that you knew it was hard for me because i was with someone else. to tell you the truth, it wasnt hard for me that time, my life was way easier and less complicated before you came into it. you told me that it was ok if i didn't love you back. then you kissed me. long and tender and sweet. the idiot in me kissed you back. i knew it was wrong the first time i saw you. i knew people would get hurt, including me.

i can't seem to understand why YOU're jaded when it comes to love. what couldve we done to you to make you think that love doesnt work? shouldnt you be asking yourself? shouldnt you be telling us why love didnt work out for you? why you had to have girls on the side? why you had to love having sex with every other girl that takes off their panties for you? tell me.

argh

get a freakin' pastime ira, better yet, get a freakin' life!!


don't look back and just go!


ugh, tigas ulo!

let's see how grown up i am now

3 years ago....

How old were you?*
22

Where did you go to school?*
graduated na.

Where did you work?*
globalstride

Where did you live?*
malolos, bulacan

Where did you hang out?*
mostly sa malolos, or sa bahay pagweekends, or kina cha

How was your hair style?*
one length. down to my shoulders.

Did you wear glasses?*
no, but i cleaned his contact lensesfor him. that was, entertaining.

Who was your best friend?*
who were my best friends, they knowwho they are.

Who was your regular-person crush?*
i guess i didnt have one at that time.

What car did you drive?*
i had a red 4x4 jeep

What was your worst fear?*
him leaving me.

Had you smoked yet?*
no. sniffed a lot of second handsmoke, yes.

Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter?*
taken.

LETS SEE WHAT YOU ARE NOW !!!!! November 2006...

How old are you?*
25

Where do you go to school?*
i don't go to school.

Where do you work?*
the children in the shoe

Where do u live?*
potomac, md

Where do you hang out?*
in d.c. with my d.c. crew. haha.

Do you wear glasses?*
no. and i don't clean contacts anymore too.

Who are your best friends?*
still them.

Who is your crush?*
none at the moment. i cant seem to find one.

What car do you drive now?*
i dont have one. busses are my bestfriends.

Hair now?*
layered, past my shoulder length, namay bangs.

Do you still smoke now?*
i still dont smoke. but i still sniff second hand smoke.

What is your biggest fear?*
that it will take much longer for me to go home.

Has your heart been broken?*
just that last time, almost 3 years ago.

Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter?*
single

Any regrets that you have from 3 years ago?*
i've learned not to regret anything in my past. i love my past. it's colorful.




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i've grown up a wee bit. a lot has changed in three years. im thankful, for all those things, the changes, the goodbye's, the hello's, the smiles, the tears, the heartbreak, the recovery, the new me. im lucky and i dont even know it. but, now i do.

happy thanksgiving day!

the you i see

the you i see isn't all that bad.

i see you walk down the street like a sloth. you strut your stuff like there's no one watching. it's funny how you look so tired, tired from all that walking. come to think of it, i've never seen you run. maybe you look funny when you run that's why you never showed me. or maybe you were never in any hurry to get anywhere.

i remember the time when you talked on the phone with a high-pitched voice. i don't know where that came from. i've always admired how deep your voice sounds when you talk to me. you make me want to listen even if i don't want to. then i told you how different you sounded when you talk to those americans. you then changed the way you talk. it was so much sexier.

when you watch tv shows, or a movie or just the game, your eyes sparkle. i remember how hard you tried to keep your eyes from shutting while you were doing your thing with the PS. sometimes, i watch you drift off to sleep and then jerk when you realized you just fell asleep. i stifle a laugh. i pretend to be asleep so you don't feel embarassed. but you're never embarassed in front of me. i think all of your flaws are cute.

you snore, you know. i like it. rhythmic and steady. your snoring makes me fall asleep when i need to, wakes me up when it's time. you also jerk a lot in your sleep. were you running in your dream? or did you fall? i always ask you that. you always tell me not to worry so much. sometimes, when you sleep before i do, i get scared.. because i feel alone, that you were some place else where i wasnt., and that was one of my fears.

"lagi kang walang gana", a friend would tell you every time we ate. i know when you wouldnt eat. i can name a few: when you're asleep, when you're in the middle of your game or when there's someone at the foosball table calling for you to play. you were such a baby. i resorted to spoon feeding your skinny butt just to make it not any skinnier that it already was. i remember feeding you champorado and taho, your favorite breakfast. i remember pulling the meat off the bones just so you wouldnt have to waste precious time doing that so as not to lose anymore foosball time.

you protected me. you walked on my left side to keep me from bumping into people walking against us. i thought that was the sweetest thing. im sure you don't notice but whenever you do that, i always have a tiny smile on my face. small enough that nobody could see it. using your hand to shade me from the glare, cooking for me even if you never knew how to, giving the evil eye to people to eyed me.. all of them, remembered.


sadly, the you i see isnt you anymore. i can choose to skew everything negatively, but my heart chose to see all the good things, the you i saw.

just a thought

bakit ba ang kulit kulit mo? alam mo naman na isa shang tao na sasaktan ka lang pero balik ka naman ng balik sa kanya. kung hindi ka man bumabalik, eh sha parin yung nasa isip mo. hello! gumising ka nga! bakit ba gustong gusto natin sa may ayaw sa atin? bakit ba gusto natin sa taong alam natin na lolokohin lang tayo. sinasabi ko sa iyo, matakot ka. dahil yang lalake na kasama mo ngayon eh may tatlo pang sideline. pano ko nalaman? unang, una, sideline nya ako dati, pangalawa, kaibigan nya ako so alam ko lahat ng kalokohan niyan since i knew him which was almost a decade ago. pangatlo, umaamin yan noh! madali shang hulihin kaya kung gusto mo ng pointers kung pano sha huhulihin, tanungin mo lang ako.

kakakwento lang sa akin nyan nung minsan, malaki daw problema nya, kasi di daw nya alam kung pano i-manage ang time nya dahil tatlo tatlo kayo. isipin mo yun? kaibigan ko na yan ha. mahal ko na yun without any questions and he still proves to me that most men are pigs. well more like dogs really, palipat lipat. sheesh.

bakit ba gusto natin sa mga bad boys? bakit ayaw natin dun sa good guy na nakilala natin dati, na mabait, sobrang patient at lagi kang tama sa kanya? bakit sha yung taong iniwan mo? bakit gusto mo sa mejo at minsan sobrang bastos? kawawa naman mga good guys. they almost always finish last. dont you just wish na sana yung mabait nalang ang kasama mo? sana yang badboy mo eh good boy nalang?

talagang ganyan pag nagmamahal eh. matigas ulo mo. bahala ka na nga sa buhay mo.




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anyway, im so excited about the new episodes of The Office. Jim comes back to the Scranton branch and Pam is so happy. me too. i can't wait till next thursday!

Thanksgiving is just around the corner. i cant believe how fast this year went by. i feel like i havent done anything significant this year. i feel like i wasted a year of my life. i am glad tho, that the year is coming to an end, because it means it's 2007 and my family will come to visit me sept 2007. just in time for my bday. i know it's a long shot and that it's still half a year away but, im telling you, time goes by so fast here where i live. it's ridiculous.