salamat sa iyo

why do i have this empty feeling inside me? i feel butterflies in my tummy, not because im happy or anticipating, but something opposite of that.

you think you know someone, but it ends up that you only know the tip of the iceberg. the past few weeks were tough on me. it tested my sanity and my tolerance and my morals. i feel like i just want to get away but i can't escape it.

i feel ashamed, i feel embarassed, i feel insignificant already, and i dont need anyone else telling me this over and over because i can not take it anymore.

right now, i just need friends. real friends. friends who truly care.

somehow im glad ive been through what ive been through.

i found out who really cares, who respects me as i am and who still loves me despite and inspite of.

so thank YOU, you, You, you and you.

i just realized

It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both

I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
Just don't know

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

A bed that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving only makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall around my heart
I’ll never let it fall apart
But strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I'm asleep

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you, babe

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

Tough we have not hit the ground
It doesn't mean we're not still falling,
Oh I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes you so hard to stay
Nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

see, this year is an emotional rollercoaster ride. when i saw my entry for new year's, i feel like taking back all that i said there. i do not want anything new, i do not want change and i definitely do not want what i have now.

yes, it's a bit more exciting and a bit more than the usual attention that i get from people, but i do not like it. i thought i would, but i would rather have the old me back, the old wallflower, the old spinster me.

i was rather happy being all alone and not having to think about other people, but now, i care so much it sucks.

people think that i dont feel anything, but i do. i just dont show it. i learned not to show emotions because i learned it was a sign of weakness. i learned it the hard way and so now, i can say im hard on the outside but still soft inside. i cry. although it's been a while but i still do. every small thing people around me do have an effect on my mood. it does. i laugh when people are happy, im sad when people are sad. im quiet when it's awkward and i hurt when people say bad things about me.

sometimes i want to escape. i want to get out and just disappear. someday.


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if you still read me, id like you to know that im sorry. im still here and if you want to talk, just give me a call. il wait.

they say be careful what you wish for, and they are right.


i have had enough. i didn't want to be where i am now.

prayers

it's scary how almost every year, i hear about someone i know dying. worse, it's a batchmate from school. so far, we have 5 people.

you'll be in my prayers.




_______________________________

may they rest in peace
theresa grace hernandez
james narcisco
marvin malonzo
edmund covas

lost in space

when it's crunch time, we do not forget who we can go to for help. just when you think that they are gone, they come back, they open up their world again for you to consume, they're there for you again.

now i learned that people who stray away sometimes are just trying to find the way themselves. it's not because they do not want to be with you anymore, it's just that they want to try something new, learn something else and be someone else for a bit.

i know how that feels, how it feels to crave for something different in our lives, something out of the ordinary and beyond the routine.

and then when you see each other again somewhere down the road, you're both bigger, better and wiser. you have more to share with each other, more to talk about, more to learn about one another and that makes everything else new.

just when you think you lost someone, they come back to surprise you and let you know that they're still there, they're still with you.


_____________________________________

on a different note:

why can't i just tell you how i feel about you, why can't i find the courage to face what i have done, or not done.