a little spongebob fun.

if you want to fly, all we need is friendship.

after a long day of camping...

it's nice to unwind with a campfire song.

have fun with the LSS all day!

you..

you shouldnt have dumdum. you shouldnt have answered his call, you shouldnt have im'd him back. you shouldnt have given in to his hi's and miss you's. you shouldnt have talked to him at all. you shouldve ignored him completely or you shouldve just forgotten he existed.

i know you're confused sometimes on how to approach this. i know that you have a lot of questions that dont really need an answer to because you already know the answers. i know that this emotional rollercoaster ride is getting the best of you but i also know that you are so much stronger than this.. and that you can and will get over whatever it is that's bothering you. i know that when you left you wanted something better for yourself and for the people you love. i also know that you left to escape your past, to forget and eventually forgive the people who hurt you. i know you. i know that you will find that heart, the heart that's not completely healed but stronger. because we both know that it is the hardships and the bumps that makes us who we are.. a better person after all that.

so remember, that you are a strong person.. you are a force to be reckoned with.. you are loved by so many you have absolutely no idea how humungous your backup is.. you are someone and that you, yes you will have to suck it up and move on!

psst ulul. ikaw nga.

i have a friend who whenever i talk to him he always makes me feel that i really have nothing to fuss about in the first place.

i get all worried and panicky but when i start telling him about it, it suddenly seems like nothing at all to be worried about.

i realize that the stuff i take too seriously shouldnt really be thunked about that much.

so thanks for always making me realize how i overanalyze things and how simple life actually is..

pros, my keychain. don't forget. keep it ok? mishuuu!

help!

pigilan nyo ako please!

this weekend, my friend regie whipped out her meteor garden dvd's. we started our marathon friday night which carried on saturday morning, noon, night, midnight and sunday noon till right now...

i need help! pigilan nyo ako please lang! i can't believe how much power the F4 has over me and my roomies. how the hell can they keep us glued to the box and almost not take weewee breaks just so not to miss anything.

ayoko na! ayaw kong mainggit kay shan-tsai!

babaw ko shiyet.

thank you

from the other blog, again :)

with my life right now, you can never expect somebody to give you the lift you need to go on with your day.. or your life.. that is, friendship in unexpected places with unexpected people..
a hug from somebody will be able to make me feel happy or at least feel that the world still gives a shit about what im feeling at that moment. so i thank you for giving me hugs just when i need it, for asking me how i am and making sure that im alright. those simple and mundane things make me feel that somewhere out there, this greater being is still watching over me.. making sure that there is somebody around me, making sure i was still aok.

faith in people.. i never thought id have it again.

sad, sad i tell you.

im too depressed to post anything. sad. sad that dallas had to give it away, at home court!

waaah!

eternal sunshine

i just finished watching the movie and it makes me wonder how i would be if i erased my memories of him.. would i be happier? would i be where i am right now? would my personality be the same? would everything be so much easier than it is right now?
the movie makes you think that if all of that is possible.. if after all the things you go through to forget that someone, in the end you will always be bumping into each other, crossing paths, finding something to remind you of the past.. and then all the hurt and the pain comes gushing back. and that my friends, isnt the ending that i want for myself. i want to move on and not feel the hurt anymore when i think of him. i want to be able to remember memories and still not flinch or feel butterflies in my tummy. i want to forget.. but i cant and we can never forget stuff as big as that in your life. now that sucks man.

_____________________________

this was written in a previous blog which i completely forgot about till an old friend reminded me about it. p.s. this one was written so long ago. i dont necessarily feel this way anymore. i think.

Happy Dad's Day

to my dad, who remained my shadow all these years, quietly following me wherever i went but still letting me make my own mistakes and rescue me when i need it. i welcome the presence dad, you dont know how much i appreciate your trust and your guidance. i love you. happy father's day.

happy father's day to all the dads in the world. especially to my own and to a couple of my friends who fathered countless panganays (haha, kidding!).

why dallas? why?!

right now im watching the dallas mavericks lose to the miami heat. demmit! cmon people, you had the advantage of leading 2-0 and you let it go! it shouldve been a sweep! ok, ok, shaq and wade, they're good but puh-lease! you're the best defensive team and your benchers score as much as the starters or at least almost as much as the starters and your teamwork is awesome and you have dirk! plus tonight, dirk broke michael jordan's record of most freethrows in a NBA season! dont let those "white-hot" clad people of miami taunt you and intimidate you! this is your freakin chance! grab it! let's go dallas! let's go!

sheesh why do i get so frustrated over this? i never did like basketball. trace my basketball ignorance all the way back when i was a kid and we only had local channels and my dad would watch a game that would last till my bedtime. i hated that. i need to watch my bioman daddy! and then two years ago i met him. the biggest nba fan i've ever met. well, more of the biggest dallas fan really. we had cable and i couldve watched nickelodeon before i sleep but during playoffs, mornings were reserved for watching the games. so i had no choice. it was frustrating again for me. i want to watch spongebob!

but ok, since i like you, you get to watch what you want plus breakfast in bed and you get the special ira massage. mind you, we worked graveyard shift so our life is kind of upside down.


he cheered. i cheered on with him. i asked questions, he answered them oh-so-patiently. but hear this, not only did i have to endure 2hour long watching games, i had to watch him play his NBA2k-infinity. 2ks never stop. they always come out with something new so he always had to buy them and i always had to watch. i didnt mind really. i loved watching him play. the way his fingers push the X and O buttons and the L1s and L2s, it was kind of erotic. well, erotic because i was imagining them doing something else. so i guess thats just me. teehee. he asked me what i thought of his players, and which team i liked so far based on what he taught me.. of course i ended up liking dallas and hating the spurs (they were so good before you'd love to hate them). in the beginning i liked players mostly because they were gwapo or because they looked like him (i.e. manu ginobili ;)) but as the "thing" progressed, i liked teams and players simply because they're good.

i learned the who's and what's and why's of bastketball and if you told me a player's name two years ago, i would know which team he was in! thats how much i know.


so dallas, cmon and win this! if you cant then fine, shaq deserves it.

last night

he saw me. i was out with friends when he came up to me and said hi. i said hi in return and gave him a hug. i shouldnt have (you dummy!) but it was instinct. what used to be was everytime i saw him i used to hug him as tight as i could, like i wouldnt let go. this time it was just brief, and gave him a pat on the back of course. might as well make it look like a chum-hug i thought. we talked. he asked me how i was and i did the same. he didnt tell me that he missed me, but his gaze, his eyes piercing through my soul told me he did. he asked me if we could play foosball again one last time. that was his favorite game back then. i said sure and that he deserves a good ass whupping (and i meant that literally). he laughed. he said im still as corny as i was before. i had the ball and put it in play. it was fun playing with him again. we both screamed and squealed.. well it was more of me actually. sad to say, i lost by one point. 10-9. he was happy. i was happy too, seeing him smile again and smiling at me. i forgot what happened after that. all i knew was that we were walking away from the foosball table when he took my hand into his and held it. tight and intertwined. just like a couple again. i hoped he didnt see me blush. i looked into his eyes, questioning his move. he just smiled. i smiled and just went along. it felt good anyway, being with him again. he was about to open the door to his apartment when something bit my arm. and then..


i woke up.

how could you?

disclaimer: this may well be fiction as it may be real.

he was the love of my life. he was that someone i looked up to and trusted with my life. i accepted every single strand of imperfection and helped carry his baggages and loved his family like my own. his sister i loved like she was. his grandma i loved and cared for. they loved me in return like i was their own. but things didnt work out the way i wanted it to..long story short.

but i still loved him.. until..after two years of separation, i find out about something that shook the very foundation of my love for him. i found out that he molested her little sister. adopted as she was, he had no right to do that to her. she was just young, barely a teenager, no mind of her own. how could you do that to her? how could you live day by day and not think of what you did to her and act like nothing happened? respect.. you lost my respect for you and my unconditional love. my heart can't see past that anymore.

im somehow glad that i found out about it. despite the hurt you gave her, she gave me freedom.. she gave me my freedom from you. im forever grateful to you **** for you saved my life. like all the good things done to me... i'll pay this forward.

according to my birthdate

Your Birthdate: September 7

You are an island. You don't need anyone else to make you happy.And though you see yourself as a loner, people are drawn to you.Deep and sensitive, you tend to impress others with your insights.You also tend to be psychic - so listen to that inner voice! Your strength: Your self sufficiency Your weakness: You despise authority Your power color: Maroon Your power symbol: Hammer Your power month: July

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

are you kidding me?

congratulations ira!

... on finishing your first ever Sudoku puzzle without any help whatsoever! i dont care if the difficulty rating is one out of five, (five being the highest) i still did it on my own!

i somehow know now that im not that mathematically and spatially challenged. wheee!



-next day i tried the 2 out of five puzzle and i was stumped. guess i only work out the level one puzzle. but stil!!! :)

what do you get when you have too much time in your hands?

this:


back when i worked in a callcenter, i used to doodle a lot. i drew stuff to keep me busy and sane in the wee hours of the morning. i did a lot of weird drawings, word associations, flowers, spirals and practiced writing my name just in case someone asked for my autograph. i also practiced my concept of my married signature which included the name of my then boyfriend. it was very lame but while i was doing that i had a stupid grin on my face. i imagined myself signing papers and stuff with that added name on my signature. i contemplated on wether to include the whole name or just letters of it. i finally decided on putting in the whole thing. what's embarassing (and sweet at the same time) was that my (x) boyfriend was standing behind me the whole time! he saw what i was doing and of course seeing his last name there he grabbed the paper from me and asked me what the heck i was doing. i was too embarassed to answer and then he said


"aww Ira, how pathetic!"



nah.. he didnt say that. he wasnt that much of a hellion. he smiled his stupid bedimpled smile when he saw what i wrote, kissed me on the cheek and said "i love you too switi." i was freakin speechless.. mostly from embarassment and partly because he knew what to say and what not to say. at that moment he made me fall in love with him all over again. i found that paper in his/our room a few weeks before our breakup. when we, well he, decided to part ways, something inside of me wanted to get that piece of paper and burn it. but what the heck, i just decided to leave it there just in case.



disclaimer: nothing really. sad to say, this is a true story.

sweet, sweet life

moving on..

im currently having a movie marathon. i rented all these dvds and havent got the time to watch all of them. blockbusteronline is definitely awesome. just watched coach carter, watching finding neverland and firewall is next. i've always loved harrison ford. who doesnt?! he's the one and only indiana jones! he inspired me to become an adventurous soul and not be afraid of things, well most things at least. im not disappointed so far and im hoping to watch more perfect strangers episodes later.

moving on..

thursday (june 8) was my good friend lorraine's bday. happy bday lulu! we had a little get together in her new apartment with random food and close friends. it was a lot of fun and i laughed a lot. nothing better than a good hearty laugh session with friends. then that friday we ate at a brazilian eat all you can bbq joint. Malibu Grill was awesome. we were a big group so it wasnt really that fun but people who matter sat close to me so no worries. the meat carriers had tons of bbq'd meat for us. i had lamb, ribs, steak, chicken but not the turkey (which apparently was the yummiest of them all). it was cheap considering it was a "steakhouse" and that it was eat all you can and that it was dinner time and that it was a friday night. (too many thats)

moving on..

yesterday i got caught up in the middle of Gay Pride Day in D.C. i cant believe how many people came to see the parade. it was awesome actually. it was like mardi gras only smaller. i had an epiphany and realized how lucky i am with my d.c. friends. choy and bry offered to take me home since my going home early was delayed by the gay pride parade that went around d.c. i have to admit, i had moments of swelling joy while i was watching the parade. there was a part of the parade where gay parents proudly walked 17th street carrying their kids and i felt all warm inside. i was almost teary-eyed. something about the sight touched me. the parents were just so proud and happy and the kids looked so loved.

people of all sexes lined up P street, Mass, 17th and Connecticut to cheer on the paraders and clap their hands in pride. parents who are proud of their gay kids got the most cheers and claps from the people. i felt kind of happy too and wowed because having a parent support and back you up no matter what is something important.. for them, for me, for everybody.

i like most stuff written on the cards they waved around. "God made the rainbow", "I love my daddies/mommies", "My son deserves a wedding gown", "I'm a proud parent", "God made eve for madame", "God made adam for steve". truly, they've shown how they stick together and i wish that all the people in the world are like that.

moving on..

i miss you. i was surrounded by couples the whole weekend and not that im not happy for them, i am really but it was just there to remind me how single i am. but no worries. im doing just fine. im getting along very well without you by my side. i just want to tell the blogworld that i miss you. at least i get to vent out.

happy week everybody. payweek. for me at least yipee.

love perfect strangers?

for the 80's babies who love and miss watching Perfect Strangers, here's something for you :)

enjoy!!

http://television.aol.com/in2tv/perfect_strangers_tv

im not a good friend

since i can't tell you in person how sorry i am, or maybe i told you but i just don't want to overdo it, i want to tell the whole web world how bad i feel for not being with you when you needed me. even if you didnt say that you needed me there, i knew that you did, but i didnt stay anyway. im sorry for letting you sleep alone in your new apartment on your first day there. mababaw but i know it'll mean a lot if i stayed. shite. im just glad that you got along just fine and slept well too. i promise to make it up to you. or at least try to get you drunk i mean make you happy (same same:)) on your birthday. oh wait, we're supposed to get jesse drunk enuf to puke. hehee

sorry again lulu. here's to that bday-housewarming party tequila and vodka(!) im bringing! cheers!


p.s. dont worry, you're getting that dock thing you've always wanted ;)

catharsis of some sort

I was at my happiest when I was with you. Admitting this to myself is easy but forgetting about it is the hardest thing I have to do. When I think about you, I can't help but smile. You are constantly on my mind. You are the ghost of my past that im scared of but can’t find the heart to forget. When I think about you, I feel all warm and fuzzy. I shouldn’t even be thinking about you but I do. Everything in my life has this unbreakable connection back to you. Im surrounded by things that somehow remind me of you. Believe it or not, whenever I go to the supermarket, I go to the soap aisle and smell the soap that you love so much. I sniff it till I remember smelling it on you, till I remember bathing with it so I could smell you on me and I would think I wouldn’t miss you. But I still do.

Why do I keep coming back to you? Why can't I just forget about you? Why can't I set aside all the memories, put them in a box and throw it away some place where I won't be able to get to them again. Ever. It took almost all of my heart and soul to forget about you and move on with my life. You almost killed me. I never thought anybody would ever die from heartbreak. I thought I would be the first one.

All these times that I’ve been telling myself and everybody else that I’m so over you were all just lies… Lies to hide the way I feel about you, the real me. I’ve been running away from this for quite a while and all your memories still catch up on me and eat me whole. Night after night after night of dreams about you haunt me. I wake up feeling like I did on that fateful day you left me. I am once again empty and incomplete. You are half the world away from me and still you can make me feel like this. I thought I talked to God about this. I asked him to either make you stay or take the pain away. He took you and he still wouldn’t take your memories and all the pain in my heart.

But here I am, struggling with my life, struggling to survive and move on and live like I would never need you ever in my life again. I think I’m doing a pretty good job living without you. I am still alive, right? Good luck with not missing you and not wanting you back. I most especially need good luck with not loving you. I only have half a heart left and I hope it could still go on and survive the pain of missing you. I don’t think it can take much more of this pain and torture I’ve been consciously and unconsciously subjecting it....



this was something i found under all the stuff i brought when i first came here. this was something from an ira from long long ago. i wasnt even supposed to see it but here it is, haunting me. well, id rather blog about it than let it go to waste. most of the stuff here i dont feel anymore anyway. too bad i didnt get to finish it.


after reading it again, it sounds like im a stalker. haha. not!