80's babies, you are so going to LOVE this

they are so funny. they always make me giggle and laugh out loud. i hope they have the same effect on whoever's reading this.

do the dance of joy!

ps: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PROS!

stop

you stop. you should. you keep telling yourself to stop but you don't listen. do i have to remind you why? do you have to relive each moment of pain and suffering just to make you understand why you had to stop in the first place? stopping is the first, second or third step you have, HAVE to take. it's an absolutely necessary step to take.

im waiting. it's taking too long for you to let go.

im not a social butterfly nor a loner nor a third wheel

L, im sorry. i know i was supposed to come back. but i didnt. i cant. i dont want to. im not in the mood. im sorry. there's no excuse for this so all i can do is just apologize.


i dont understand me. i've never been like this before. i've always liked going out and having a good time. but look at me, at home on a saturday night, and actually enjoying it. darn, am i old? is this the making of an old maid? (oh dear God, i hope not)

tonight was supposed to be a night of debauchery. my first night out in two months. but, circumstances and feelings came in the way of me getting drunk. and im not disappointed. maybe im just tired of it. maybe i dont enjoy the company(?). maybe im "too old" for it. maybe ive been doing it for so long that i have outgrown it. or maybe, nights of drinking and nights out with my friends back in the philippines cant compare with what i have (had) here.

*sigh*

i miss both my drunk and sober nights with my pampanga friends. nothing compares.

and i hate being the third wheel. such a random thought. but i do. because i know how it feels to be the couple who's harboring the third wheel. trying hard not to make him/her feel left out, the third wheel always in the middle, you want to kiss but you cant because of third wheel, you want to cuddle so sweetly that you attract bees but you cant because of third wheel, and a whole lot more you dont want to admit. dont get me wrong. im happy for my friends. im happy that they're happy and i want them to be happy (too many happy's it's sad) thats why i dont want to get in the way of them being happy. i hate pda when im not involved and im not into 3somes so.. there.

why God, why am i such an old maid lately?

i need to get laid. (haha)


p.s. NANCY, im still waiting on my bday gift. *wink*wink*

my old self

inspired by nel's post :)


Though Ive loved you for what seems like forever, Ive finally realized that Im going to be ok without you. You broke my heart and I continued to love you, but now I can see that I will be ok. Like I had something to fulfill before i could let go. I never stopped loving you or wanting you for one moment. Now, I still love you and i always will. You will always have a place in my heart, but the difference between now and then, is that I have stopped wanting you. Love lasts forever, But now that I dont want you, That thing has been fulfilled and I have finally let you go. You're forever in my heart.

And i cant believe that im actually OK without you.


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NowI know why someone took someone away from me. It is for me to realize that there is life beyond the life i was living back then. There was more to do than cook food for him or clean the house for him or think of what to eat for dinner or what movie to watch with him or what game to watch him play. My world did not consist of me spending all my waking and sleeping hours with him, I had my friends and my family too. I look back then and Im thinking what an ass I was for not seeing it too soon. I should have seen the signs and the billboards that God posted in my face about what Im doing with my life. Now, I have come to realize how precious my time and attention is to other people, people that really mattered, people who truly and geniunely (spelling check) loved me.




this is a picture of my old self. a repost from my old blog. this is someone i said goodbye to a long time ago. just reliving my moment of weakness to see how strong i've become. thanks nel, for inspiring me always. here's to us. to all of us who have loved and lost and learned to love again.

who wouldnt love him?

see those eyes? they pierce through my soul whenever they look at me. the smile? the most sincere (edited by nancy) smile i've ever seen. it makes me smile myself whenever i see it. when he talks, i can't help but listen. his accent, the cutest i've ever heard. lucky natalie, or whoever it is he's with right now.

i know when i can die.. it's when i finally touch him with my own two hands. haha. obsessed.

my secret

i will be contributing to the famous PostSecret soon.


he's practically a neighbor so i don't know what's stopping me. im sure it will be a totally liberating experience.


i just have to decide which secret to send. or maybe i'll just send all of them.

the last time..

"i don't remember the last time we kissed. because you never think that the last kiss would be the last. you think you have forever but you don't."

- Meredith, Grey's Anatomy


do you? do you remember the last time you kissed? i sure don't. no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to remember the place, time and how it felt like when we last kissed. and to think that i was "so in love" with him and that i would "never" forget. i think it's a good thing that i don't remember. i think it's a huge step in moving on.

but it is true what Meredith said. you never think that the last kiss would be the last. you always know that there would always be a next time. you really dont have forever. it will all blow up in your face and it's important that you forget some stuff.. like how it felt when you two kissed.. like how it felt when he touched you or held your hand..

at the end of the show, meredith told derek that while she almost died that day, all she could think about was their last kiss. and how she wanted to remember the last time they were happy. do we really want to remember just like her?

i forgot all that already, all those memories. and i choose to think that it's a good thing. i have to leave space for future memories right?

well, im the queen of reminiscing. so please, if you're reading this. tell me. when was the last time we were happy?

no. that wasnt you.

for the first time, that wasnt about you. i dont know if you read my thoughts, or even take the time to look it over. you never did anyway.

well what do you know, this refers to you again. darnit.

an affair to remember

i had one of these. i dont regret it. in fact, it's one of those things that i love to think about again and again. the thought of it brings a smile on my face. happy thoughts. if i had pixie dust, id be flying all over the place. for a couple of months, he made me happy. happy enough to ignore the hurt im causing other people.. happy enough to let it get that far. those were the best 8 months (and a bit more) of my life.

he was a very good friend. i met him through a friend of a friend of a friend. i didnt like him the first time i saw him. no wait scratch that, i liked him really. not enough to admit it to friends tho. my friends liked him too. crushes. so highschool. so there i was, admiring his skinny frame. i like my men skinny. i dont know why. he talked to me, asked for my number, called me a couple of times till we clicked. that doesnt mean we hooked up. not yet. so for what seemed like forever, i enjoyed the joys of being the girl friend. one of the boys. it was fun. i had the inside look of the workings of the man-brain (if there is such a thing). i tagged along their lakads, got invited to their inumans, pati sa mga ligawan napasama din ako. he was the one who held my hair back when i puked because i had too much lambanog. he rubbed my back for me when i was tired. he tickled my fancy when i wasnt in the mood. he fed me, i fed him. he came along whenever i needed someone to come with. and then he had a girlfriend.

life changed for me. i was so used to having him around. but he surprised me. after a little while, he came back, things went back to our normal. they were still together tho. so we had to literally share him. girlfriend of course didnt like me. i thought "why would she hate me. i didnt do anything to her". not till that night anyway. that fateful night that i never thought will happen. first time wasnt as good as i imagined it to be. more blah really. so he redeemed himself the next time, and the next and the next and the next... (:D) it was fun. it was good. it made me feel pretty. his touch was very soothing. i loved the way he cuddles when he wants something. i like how we act after, like nothing happened. not that i was complaining. i liked it that way. we're still very good friends. i love him. i really do. but that love is nothing romantic. now, we talk but not that much. he still tells me stories of his life, i still tell him insert-bad-word-here a lot because he's been a bad boy. i know he misses me even if he refuses to tell me straight up. he sends me messages and i welcome them. i miss him. my only regret is not spending more time with him before i left. well, he promised to sundo me when i finally get to go home. so im looking forward to that. and a whole lot more.

no i dont

i. love. this. song.

this song kind of denies my true feelings. whatever it is. the feelings. psshh. listen to it. old school love songs.

something

smile. you've been shitted on.

*flowers were for me btw.

awww..

im so touched. i never thought people thought of me this way. especially him. (He's one of them) haha. oh well.

Arena (known to self and others) friendly, loving, quiet, sentimental, sympathetic, warm	Blind Spot (known only to others) accepting, adaptable, brave, caring, cheerful, dependable, energetic, extroverted, giving, happy, helpful, independent, intelligent, kind, knowledgeable, observant, powerful, reflective, relaxed, sensible, silly, spontaneous, witty
Façade (known only to self)	Unknown (known to nobody) able, bold, calm, clever, complex, confident, dignified, idealistic, ingenious, introverted, logical, mature, modest, nervous, organised, patient, proud, religious, responsive, searching, self-assertive, self-conscious, shy, tense, trustworthy, wise

All Percentages

able (0%) accepting (10%) adaptable (20%) bold (0%) brave (10%) calm (0%) caring (40%) cheerful (30%) clever (0%) complex (0%) confident (0%) dependable (10%) dignified (0%) energetic (20%) extroverted (10%) friendly (50%) giving (10%) happy (40%) helpful (10%) idealistic (0%) independent (30%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (30%) introverted (0%) kind (10%) knowledgeable (10%) logical (0%) loving (30%) mature (0%) modest (0%) nervous (0%) observant (10%) organised (0%) patient (0%) powerful (10%) proud (0%) quiet (20%) reflective (10%) relaxed (20%) religious (0%) responsive (0%) searching (0%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (0%) sensible (10%) sentimental (20%) shy (0%) silly (30%) spontaneous (20%) sympathetic (20%) tense (0%) trustworthy (0%) warm (10%) wise (0%) witty (10%)

Created by the href="Interactive'>http://kevan.org/johari">Interactive Johari Window on 6.8.2006, using data from 10 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or href="view'>http://kevan.org/johari?view=janiceira">view janiceira's full data.

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things im not apparently:
able, bold, calm, clever, complex, confident, dignified, idealistic, ingenious, introverted, logical, mature, modest, nervous, organised, patient, proud, religious, responsive, searching, self-assertive, self-conscious, shy, tense, trustworthy, wise.

well true, i am never complex, what you see is what you eventually get when it comes to me. i'm not logical and clever (im more of a smart-cookie) and definitely not proud! but modest? c'mon people, im a little modest arent i? and trustworthy? darn, i keep the darkest secrets and im not trustworthy?! haha. well, i need more people so...


dont be shy, contribute. please? pretty please?

if's no but's

If only I could: spurt wings and fly to wherever i wanted to

If only I knew why: some people had to hurt you

If only I could meet: him and then ask him why

If only they didn't have: anyone else better than me then i wouldve been the best

If only I could have a car: so i don't have to walk too much. but then again, walking is a good thing.

If only I could have this age again: from highschool to college. i loved those years.

If only this wish could come true: peace for the whole world (parang beauty pageant!)

If I had a Million dollars I would buy these things: a jeep, a house and a condominium, the smallest vaio notebook. one for each member of my family.

If only I could anything right now, I would eat: my dad's sisig, caldereta, beefsteak, pagkain sa dampa, max's fried chicken at pastillias ng Magalang.

If only I didn't have to eat: everything, i would not have to go to the gym everyday.

If I could have one dream come true: it would be me living the good life.

If only I could be: stronger

If I could meet one singer: liam gallagher, then id have to kiss him.

If I could meet one actor/actress, it would be: gael garcia bernal, then id have to kiss him. and then some more.

If I could change one thing about me it would be: my body. who wouldnt?!

If I could have one thing, I would have: a laptop with unlimited internet. it can take you places you know.

If only they didn't play this song on the radio: n/a

If I could go anywhere in the world, I would like to go to: belize and see what james is talking about.

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so yes, i feel better thank you very much. went out and was greeted by awesome weather. upper 80's. so much better than 100's. had scones. been craving for them. farmer's markets are awesome.

you made my day

insan salamat. natuwa ako sa sinabi mo kahit na medyo violent ang dating. pero masarap pakinggan. hehee

can't wait to go home and hug you all again. soon. soon.

dont forget the buffet ok?

ignorance is bliss

i did not know what to do the minute i saw that hand swooping towards me... the hand that held my hand when i was scared, the hand that swept my hair behind my ear oh so gently, the hand that hugged me when i needed one, the hand that i thought would protect me was now going to hit me. i heard a clap and then ringing in my ears. all i could do was hold my cheek. it was warm. not because i was blushing but because blood came rushing to my cheek to cushion the blow. it's true, just like in the movies, once you get hit, you can't do much except look at whoever hit you with that look of awe on your face and then cry. i had a single tear come running down my cheek. i couldnt even scream. my first thoughts were "why?" and "how could you?". i was thinking about going away, running away before he could do something else, but i wanted him to know that i wouldnt take it that easily. i stood up tall and tried to protect myself. i hurt him with words instead of hitting him back. my bad. he retaliated with more blows. i protected my stomach and my face and he ended up hitting me on my back. blow after blow after blow. i begged him to stop. but i just whispered it. i didnt want him to know that i was a wuss. i am strong, i said to myself. i heard hollow thuds whenever his fist hit my back. i let out a small moan every time.. till finally he stopped. 30 seconds seemed like forever. i was down. i was crying. i finally managed to let it all out and just cry. he looked at me. he was crying too. he said he was sorry and he hugged me. the hand that hugged me was back. i welcomed it. i was happy again. happy that it stopped, happy that he was hugging me again. i was quiet. i couldnt find the heart to forgive him right there and then... i was scared of him.. but i eventually did.

my heart was that big, it accepted that and decided to move on with it. i was proud of myself for being a good Christian but a bad me, for letting it get that far.


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* this may well be fiction or fact. you decide.